1980 30 Rock 70th anniversary 9/11 aberration aberration nation aberration story Aberrations abortion absinthe abuse acceptance accident Acting actors ADD addiction ADHD adolescents adoptee adoption adult advocacy Afganistan Aikido Air Force Alan Cummings Alan Katz Alan Shipnuck alcoholic alcoholism Algis Budrys Allen Koszowski Allison Gilbert American Pain Society American relgion amputee And Tango Makes Three angelique price Anneli Rufus anorexia Antwone Fisher Area 23 Area 23 Gallery army art art interview art merged with painting art movements art of the nude art shows in Shreveport Art Talk artist artpop arts asperger's syndrome atheism attitude austin author author interview autisitc autism. aberration story autism. aberrations Avalon Books awareness axs.tv baby baby momma Backseat Saints Bad Blake bantam barebrush basketball Becky Hammon Behance belly dancing Beyond a Reasonable Doubt Bible Belt bicycles bipolar bipolar disorder bite size life Blonde Ambition blue man group Bob Hogge body image book Book Expo America book review book trailer Boundaries breast cancer Bridget Asher Brokeback Mountain Buckhead Buddha building blueprints for better girls bulimia bullying By Whose Hand Caesar Augustus Films Calvet Calvet movie camping cancer cartoonist celebrity censorship Centerpeices Centerpieces chairs chang and eng Charlaine Harris chasing boys Chasity Bono Chelsea Cher Chick Lit child children Chris Cleave Chris Tatevosian chrisitanity Christian christianity Christine A. Baker Christine Baker Christine Havrilla chronic illness chronic pain Cirque Du Freak claudia furlani coaching contemporary art controlled substances corporate america Cougar Town Courtney Cox Crazy Heart creation creatives creativitity creativity Cyril Connolly Da Vinci Code dan rather darin strauss Dario Posado dark fiction dark side Darren Shan David Christian David H. Burton DeAnna Cameron Deanna Nolan death deceased parents Dedication Deep South defying gravity Denzel Washington deployment depression Deuce Bigalow diets director disabilities disabled divorce documentary dominic allen Douglas Morton Douglas Preston Down's Syndrome Downtown Shreveport Dragonlance Dragons drive drug abuse Dust dysfunctional family Earth Matter eating disorders Ed McCormack editor egon schiele Elissa Schappell Ellen Degeneres Emily Lisker Endtime Magazine Eric Gipson Erich Fromm Esther Barend eugene mcbride Evelyne Tannehill Excercist expression expressionism Facebook failure faith family fantasy art feature film fiction figurative figurative art figurative art collectors figurative expressionism figurative expressionism contemporary figurative expressionism definition figurative expressionist film filmmaker Finding Fish fine art Finnian's Journey fire Flea Frank Conroy Fredric Almond functional family fundamentalist religion Gallery Gallery and Studio Gaming Gary Powell gay gay adoption gay issues gender George Bailey Georgia German Germany Bonell Gideon's Sword Gina Mollicone-Long Glamour glee Glenn Beck God God No God's in Alabama Godz Taylor Grand Central Grand Central Publishing grandparents graphic artist Greenleaf Book Group Greenspan grief growing up Guggenheim Haiti half a life happiness Harlan Ellison hero High Przekop. writing high school Hodgkin's Lymphoma Holy Blood Holy Grail homeless homelessness hope horror How to Tie a Tie Hrag vartanian human brain development human nature Hurricane Hotel hydrocephalus hyperallergic hyperallergic.com identity Ileen Skeen illness falsification illustrator imperfect endings Incendiary Incognito Witch individuality intentional practice interivew interview Interviews Iowa Writer's Workshop Iraq Irvin Baxter ishiguro Israel It's a wonderful life James Michener Jean Marc Calvet Jeff Bridges Jeff Goins Jennifer Bolen Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints Jesus Take the Wheel Jim Shepard Jimmy Breslin John Cafferty John currin John Gilstrap john K. Lawson Joshilyn Jackson journey Joyce Dibona Julianna Baggott Julie Gregory Justin Bieber Justin Bua kandinsky Karin Perez Karina Sala kathy Ostman-Magnusen Katie Holmes Kelly Brorsheim Kevin O'Hanlon kids Kimmelman kristen stewart LA large families Larry Brubaker Laura Shumaker lesbian LGBT lies life tabernacle Liimu McGill Lina Bonell Lincoln Child Linda Wisniewski Link Lisa Morguess Lisa See Little Bee Lizzie Miller loneliness loner looking for love Lori McKenney Los Angeles losing my religion lost pregnancy Lou Patrou Louisiana Louisiana art Love Love Your Body Love Your Life Lovestruck Lovestuck Summer Luiz Cavalli madness Making Ideas Happen Malcolm Gladwell man in woman's body manic depression maranatha school marc zegans Margaret Weis mari yamagiwa Marina Hadley Marisa Acocella Marchetto Mark Twain mark zuckerberg marker art marriage Marya Hornbacher marya hornbacker Master Innovation Group materialism Max's Kansas City maya angelou meaning Melissa Walker memoir mental health mental illness Miami Mice don't taste like chicken Michael Bamberger Michael Chabon Michael Cunningham Michael Seif Michael Smerconish Micheal Jordan mid-life crises middle grade fiction midlife Mikic Miley Cyrus military ministry Minya miscarriage mixed media Mojo Perry Molly Kellogg Monkdogz monkdogz urban art motherhood mothers motivation movie review MS MTV multiple sclerosis multitalent Munchausen by proxy Museum of Natural History music musicians muslim My Losing Season My Summer Friend mysteries of the universe N. E. Bode narcolepsy Narcolepsy network narcotics nature Navy never let me go New Jersey New Orleans New York City New York Times News Newsweek Ninety Naps a Day No War Norman Lear norsworthy gallery novel novels nude art nudes NYC o.y.l. Obama obsession obsessive compulsive disorder OCD Off kilter opioids Oprah Oprah Magazine Oprah Winfrey orphan Other Outliers painting Parentless Parents Paris Party of One passion pastor Pat Conroy Patti LaBelle Pearl Lounge Pema Chodron penelope Penelope Academy of Art University Penelope Przekop Penelope Przekop. writing Penelope Przekop. writing life Penn and Teller Penn Jillette perfection peripheral arterial disease phantom pain Philadelphia photography phychology Phyllis Whitney picasso Please Love Me plexiglas plus size models poem poetry Politics pregnancy Print Magazine Procession of the Dead producer progressive Prophetess Przekop przekop. writing psychedelic Psychology Today psychotic break publishing pulmonary fibrosis Purple Heart purpose of art PWN queer quilting Quote Quotes R. L. Stine R.E.M. fundamentalist rage Randy Thurman rape Raul Rudd reading reality Red Hot Chili Peppers relationships relativity relevance relgion religilous Religion religious review Reviews Revolutionary Road Richard Yates Robert Trudeau robert zemeckis rock Rock and roll Rock Band Rogue Space roller coasters Rothko Rouge Space same-sex parents San Diego Sandra Carey Cody Sandro La Ferla Santiago Betancur Sarah Maria Scarred for Life Sci-port science fiction scoliosis Scott Belsky scott heydt screenwriter sculpture Sebastien Aurillon second coming of Christ selective mutism Selective Mutism Group SETI sex change Shanghai Girls Sheffield film festival Sheila Parr Sheila Wolk Shreveport Shreveport Art Shreveport artist Sickened Simon Cowell simon schuster singer single parenting sleep disorders sleepiness Soho Soho artists solo show songwriter Sonny Sookie Stackhouse Sophie Kinsella soul southern southern culture spanish special education spina bifida sports art Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj stabbed Stephen King stillborn stubborn teen support survey Take this blog and shove it talent tales from the script Taylor Dynasty teaching teen poetry teen runaway teen stories teen suicide teenagers teens television Teresa Lauer Terri Cheney The Art of Loving The Belly Dancer The Center of Winter The Children's Aid Society The Climb The Mentor The Milwaukees The Netherlands The New York Pearl Lounge The New Yorker the provence cure for the brokenhearted The Second Coming The Swinger therapy Think or Sink Tiger Woods tim harakal tin house TM Muzik Tom Grimes Toni Morrison tough love Tracy J. Thomas transgendered tribulation True Blood truth twenty somethings Twin Towers two dads two mothers Tyrone Patrick Fehey unresolved issues urban art van gogh vanity fair veterans vietnam war vincent van gogh violence Violet by Design voice Waiora war Washington wasted water What Dat Nation Where do I find art in Shreveport Why She Plays Wicked Wizard of Oz WNBA women's basketball World War II writer writer's life writers writing YA Year One young love young person youth youth sports Zoe Fitzgerald Carter
6527212 July 02, 2009

Pieces of Penelope (1985, 19 years old)

If you've been following along, this may be a good time to go back and read the introduction to The Aberration Nation Teen Event.

In 1985, my parents divorced. I had managed to isolate myself from everyone. Coincidentally, I studied death and dying in a medical sociology class. No one knew how I felt or what was going on in my day to day world.

Meanwhile, I was making straight A's in college, smiling a lot, and looking as if I hadn't a care in the world. In '84, I'd gotten involved with a guy who, unknowingly, managed to push every button necessary to unleash all the emotion I'd experienced as a result of my dysfunctional childhood environment.

In 1985, I hit rock bottom.

(On a lighter note, now everyone knows why I'm not a a poet ... remember, not award winning just honest.)

My heart is a flower,
That blossoms in the light,
Only to wither in the dark night,
A box that fills the inside up,
That clenches tight,
Deep within,
A desolate place that houses nothing,
My spirit burned to the ground,
Extinct,
Sacrificed for a promised future,
My human mind cannot yet see.


***

My heart grieves until it drips and bubbles,
Dancing flames, downing maiden,
This life I love drags me down,
Every room is filled with silent clowns,
Teasing me, hurting me,
Reminders of what I used to be.
Today my windows were open wide,
Teardrops fell like thunderstorms,
Time is late for it's appointment,
These wounds are open wide.
This love I feel is out of hand,
It drenches me when you're around,
Don't look my way, obey your mind,
Your silent strength I see right through,
That silence your heart believes,
Has no sound,
It screams at me through your eyes,
And into your heart it let's me spy,
But stay away, I can grow,
Away from you in time.

***

An exploding bomb,
Subconscious strength,
Hatred escaping,
Finally an open door.

***

Sitting stiffly in a crowded ugly space,
Faces laughing, bodies dancing,
Yet the space inside
Twists and squeezes
Like an empty swollen gut,
Paralyzed by the pain,
Rejection spreading through my hollow places
Like a disease winning,
Killing me.

***

Tonight a part of me must die,
I'm growing, learning everyday,
Yet this hidden strength blinds my way,
The strongest part,
The bitter heart,
That can't let go,
That can't forgive,
It's fighting for the chance to live.

Tonight a warrior must surrender,
This chip must crash, fall from my shoulder,
It's time to roll away the boulder,
The hardest part,
The broken heart,
That can't grow up,
That can't forget,
The overwhelming pain it's met.

Tonight a new heart must take form,
It's time to fit, pieces together,
So I can find my own forever,
The saddest part,
The loss of heart,
That must take place,
That must make room,
Now the new can fill its tomb.

***

A voice said,
"It's time to leave,"
I didn't want to go,
Then it yelled,
"Get out! Go home!"
The voice shed tears
I could not see.

A stream once flowed,
Pure emotion,
Beauty and a feeling
We dared not name,
The single soul
Once created
Now is lost,
No coming home.

Love and hate,
Our closest friends,
For a time,
Filled our cup,
Used us up,
Left behind,
We wagered war,
We paid the cost,
Now we've lost,
Each other.

***

This icy heart,
Will it part?
Shining through filtered light,
Revealing beauty yet unseen,
With eyes like yours,
Mirrors in my dreams.

If only these chambers could tell a story,
All they've seen and how they've grown,
My human soul is left unchanging, whilst
This heart is forever rearranging.

Two powers struggling inside of me,
Which holds me captive?
Which will set me free?

Dancing wildly on a sea of bitter salt,
A ritual reflecting deep turmoil,
The drumbeat of the heart my rhythm,
Drowning out the pain of healing.

The secret sea inside of me,
Rages wildly,
Building up,
Someday it's power will take control,
And burst through these doors inside my soul.

***

Dancing wildly about my lover,
As he stands so still,
Upon that majestic pedestal,
I alone built for him,
Beyond my reach,
Place by me in a faraway world,
Where he alone can go.

Now time has bruised my tender heart,
Frightened by his secret stare,
My heart trembles in its tightened space.

Bubbling blood streams from my eyes,
Windows to my inner soul,
That fail to hide the wounds,
Wounds from the battle,
Our battle.

***

Love slammed her door,
On intellect pounding,
Then she ran,
And drinking up,
She filled her
Draining cup
With you.

The war within,
Raging sin,
Overcame,
The tender heart,
The love
That laughed
With you
Is dead.

Inside of me,
Bleeding blindness,
In times of you,
Where was I?

Today,
You live inside
This crystal heart
I've cultivated,
When it shatters
Once again,
Say hello
And smile for me,
Then turn and run,
Forever free.

Read more →

6527212 June 30, 2009

Pieces of Penelope (1984, 18 years old)

During 1984 and '85, I wrote less in my journal, and instead focused on writing poetry. As I noted in the the introduction to the Aberration Nation Teen Event, don't expect award winning writing--only honesty.

In January of 1984, I graduated from high school early and started college in my hometown, Shreveport, Louisiana. That summer one of my best childhood friends was killed in a car accident along with two others from my high school. When my novel, Boundaries, is published, it will be dedicated to my dear friend, Virginia Anne Reeves (1966 - 1984). Although it was a slow process, her tragic death ultimately influenced my life in a positive way.





Her shattered heart wears a smile,
And looks beyond the lies,
He unlocked the mind of her.

***

Disappointment is my closest friend,
Each little dream that falls apart,
Each time a crack forms in my heart,
She appears so vividly,
Disappointment with her melancholy smile.

So many visions have passed me by,
All they gave were tears to cry,
Life to me, a mystery,
Illusive clues lurk in my mind,
Their tool, the imagination.

As images grow into clear reality,
Disappointment comes to rescue me,
The me I gave,
The ends I seek,
Broken, battered children
weeping at my feet.

***

Cold breezes,
Chill my heart,
In the night,
The bitter fight,
Rages on.

Summer day,
All the way,
Time erases,
All the pain,
I feel.

***

Renegade lover,
Stand still for me,
My shattered heart wears a smile
And looks beyond the lies.

Someday I'll be your secret friend,
I'll know your dreams,
I'll feel your sorrows,
Sweet, sweet lover till the bitter end.

***

Tiny dancer in my soul,
It's time to live,
It's time for me,
Regretful smile lurk in my mind,
I wonder if they'll fade in time.

***

On lonely days I miss your smile,
I miss your condescending style,
I miss your cruelty,
I miss your scorn,
For what we lost,
I'll always mourn.

On lonely nights I miss your voice,
I miss the way I had no choice,
I miss your smirk,
I miss your singing,
Echos of my recent past,
In my heart,
Forever ringing.

***

Shadows plunge the light away,
The color dulls,
All I have is what I am inside,
Attempting to recall the used to bes,
How I loved,
How I hated.

Void of you my heart is clean,
Now remembering is empty,
Like you.

I see and feel the final truth,
You were once my reality,
You are the lie I lived.

***

A space in time,
A place that's mine,
Yet not mine,
I give to you this,
Awakening,
Building,
Brightening dream,
On I fight against the current,
Fighting now just for me,
One day I'll fight for you.

***

Eyes meet,
Souls collide,
Lips touch,
Fears subside.

Hands touch,
Dreams mingle,
Hopes rise,
Two now single.

***

One teardrop fell from my eyes,
It fell beneath a thundering sky,
Falling with it were my dreams,
In that one tear,
A thousand things,
All died.

Love to me was all my dreams
Of what I felt love should be,
Storybook endings and preconceived notions,
Forever in place,
Never in motion.

I made a vow inside myself
That I would put love on the shelf,
Never again would this heart break,
There is so much my heart can take.

Lying here,
Being still,
I'm trying to say
Just how I feel.

There is a dream you're reaching for,
You own a dream that's coming true,
If I could only make you see,
I'm reaching out for my dream, too.

Slow dancing with me in your dark,
Your laughter talks straight to my heart,
Happy smiles that pierce the night,
Could it be,
It's finally right.

Confusion tangos with my heart,
Cobwebs creeping through my dark,
Is this a dream or is it real,
Is this the way true love
Should feel?

***

Building bridges,
Running across,
Changing the truth,
Compensating loss.

Saying they care,
Building bridges,
Running across,
Fraying the ridges.

Running across,
Leaving me behind,
Saying they care,
Playing with my mind.

Changing the truth,
Causing me pain,
Learning to build,
I'll do the same.

Read more →

6527212 June 28, 2009

Pieces of Penelope (1983, 17 years old)


... I HAVE TO love myself the most--not be selfish but just have self esteem, and know that I can accomplish so much in my life--and I will...

***

... I feel like I'm just walking through a dessert and there's no one around for hundreds and hundreds of miles. I just don't understand, and it hurts so much to feel so rejected and so lacking. As if there's something missing that I'll never have. I'm actually afraid for the school year to start. For the last two years, terrible things have happened, and I want so badly to be happy. Why does God allow me to feel this way? I'll never know. I just have to tell myself that all people go through lonely times and that there is nothing wrong with me...

***

I just feel lonely today. I wonder if other people feel like this as much as I do? I wish I knew. I just have to face reality so I'm trying to figure out what it is.

Lonely does as lonely is,
Lonely gives as lonely is.

***


My Life is a paradox,
My heart a lonely hunter,
My melancholy smile,
Isn't real at all ...




***

I feel so bored and lonely. This is ridiculous. I have so many things to be excited about but yet I feel like all there is before me is a blank space that I have to fill in order to get somewhere, or to someone or something. What is it? Maybe I'm just going through a stage. That must be it.

***

I have my pride and I'm not gonna be put in the same category with a bunch of love sick girls. I realize now that I've been acting just like all the other girls in the world. I've got to be different and I will be ...

***

I just wish school would start so I can think about something else. I'm going to study hard. Right now I really don't have any close friends. I'm turning into quite a loner. It's what I want in a way but yet it's really not. I'm just going to try to channel my ambitions or passions or whatever towards studying. I've got to start giving myself more credit. I've got to grow up a little. The time has come for me to start seeing myself as an adult and acting like one.

***

Try as I might to break loose from sorrow,
She walks with me,
Every yesterday and tomorrow,
Trust is gone,
From my heart forever,
Perhaps someday I'll find my place.

'Till then I'll forge on ahead,
Never look back,
Let the dead be dead,
Fate has a surprising future for me,
Someday not only I but the world will see.

Read more →

6527212 June 26, 2009

Pieces of Penelope (1982, 16 years old)


... All I know is that if I just had one kiss from that guy, that's all I would need to sustain me for at least another six months ....

***

Love that hurts,
Love that takes,
Love that loves
For loves own sake ...

***

... Yesterday I had the most traumatic experience of my life. I cannot explain it but all I know is that it was hard and it hurt, and I will remember it until the day I die ...

***

... It seems like the good things that are supposed to be in life just don't notice me ...

***

... I'm tired of hurting. I know there is some hurt I can't avoid but as I look back at my past, I know there was so much I could have avoided. I bring so much upon myself ...

***

... I hope I'm growing up so bad ...

***

... I think I tend to idolize people too much ... even the people I don't like. I've been trying to see myself in the way that I see everyone else. Maybe that's the root of my problem. I've excluded myself from my overall image of the world, and maybe that has made me feel like I'm never good enough ...

***

... I think I just realized why I don't trust people. All this time, instead of trying to see myself the way I see everyone else, I've been trying to see everyone the way I see myself -- which doesn't work because it's giving me a depressed outlook on life and people. I have people idolized and the next, I have them hitting the floor. I don't want to trust anyone for fear that I'll be the fool and just prove over and over that I don't belong in the good world -- but only in the bad. This doesn't even give me a chance to be in the good world because trying to drag people into the bad world turns them off and away, which leaves me totally confused and worse off.

***

When sorrow speaks it calls my name,
When love laughs it laughs at me ...

***

Tonight I have been thinking ...

I have committed many a sin in my life. Greater than any man can know. In my heart, I will never know the reasons or will I feel forgiven ... What counts is how you play the game, live the life. I will be happy for my friends when they are happy. I will weep for them when they are sad. Never will I judge a person for I know my sins are many. I will be happy with life, for who I am, for what I feel, and will not waste joy by living in the past. I will treat each man the same for fate will bring love when love is right. I will not worry about useless things. I will not be saddened by things unsaid but will rejoice in words I hear. Life will be fine. The happy moments will outlive the sad. I will sin a great many times to come but yet I will be content for I know life would be but an empty shell if I had not sorrows to contrast with my joy. Forever, I will live each day in Springtime and when pain knocks at my heart, I will endure and love just the same. "Never stop risking" will be the words in my heart. I will remember to risk and to feel sadness is better than to not risk and not "feel." This way, at least I will know I'm alive.

***

A rainstorm rages in paradise,
Her nature split,
Struggling against the tide,
Trapped inside,
She hides ...

***

So many times I've missed the point,
I've stayed too long, and left too soon,
You'd think by now
I'd learn to play
the game.



Read more →

6527212 June 22, 2009

Pieces of Penelope (1980, 14 years old)

My Diary

Pages of love and tears,
Special tidbits picked up through the years,
From girl to women,
From daughter to mother,
The pages may tear and fade,
But the hopes and fears will live forever.

***

... Sometimes I feel sad, sometimes glad, to be me. Am I the only one with problems? I cry out for someone to solve them. I'm proud to be me, but sometimes I wish I was different ... I realize now that I'm just one of the little grains of salt in the world.

***

The End

The end is here, now, after so long,
Your love is gone, transferred,
Where did I go wrong?
The end is sad, frightening, hard to bear,
The end has begun,
How long will it last?
Will it last till the end?
When the end is over and love goes on,
Where will you be?
Will you be near?
I'll always be here, at the end.

***

... They'll never know how I feel. I'll never let them know! My mind is searching, scanning but never finding the answers. I guess this is the final path. The path through darkness into light. Is that the light there? No, just a shimmer of hope. The light will come someday. I'll be happy then. Someday ...

***

Words

What are words?
Words are means of expression,
Then where are the right words?
The words to say, "I love you?"
What is "I love you?"
"I love you" are the words that mean there are no words ... for me.

Read more →