1980 30 Rock 70th anniversary 9/11 aberration aberration nation aberration story Aberrations abortion absinthe abuse acceptance accident Acting actors ADD addiction ADHD adolescents adoptee adoption adult advocacy Afganistan Aikido Air Force Alan Cummings Alan Katz Alan Shipnuck alcoholic alcoholism Algis Budrys Allen Koszowski Allison Gilbert American Pain Society American relgion amputee And Tango Makes Three angelique price Anneli Rufus anorexia Antwone Fisher Area 23 Area 23 Gallery army art art interview art merged with painting art movements art of the nude art shows in Shreveport Art Talk artist artpop arts asperger's syndrome atheism attitude austin author author interview autisitc autism. aberration story autism. aberrations Avalon Books awareness axs.tv baby baby momma Backseat Saints Bad Blake bantam barebrush basketball Becky Hammon Behance belly dancing Beyond a Reasonable Doubt Bible Belt bicycles bipolar bipolar disorder bite size life Blonde Ambition blue man group Bob Hogge body image book Book Expo America book review book trailer Boundaries breast cancer Bridget Asher Brokeback Mountain Buckhead Buddha building blueprints for better girls bulimia bullying By Whose Hand Caesar Augustus Films Calvet Calvet movie camping cancer cartoonist celebrity censorship Centerpeices Centerpieces chairs chang and eng Charlaine Harris chasing boys Chasity Bono Chelsea Cher Chick Lit child children Chris Cleave Chris Tatevosian chrisitanity Christian christianity Christine A. Baker Christine Baker Christine Havrilla chronic illness chronic pain Cirque Du Freak claudia furlani coaching contemporary art controlled substances corporate america Cougar Town Courtney Cox Crazy Heart creation creatives creativitity creativity Cyril Connolly Da Vinci Code dan rather darin strauss Dario Posado dark fiction dark side Darren Shan David Christian David H. Burton DeAnna Cameron Deanna Nolan death deceased parents Dedication Deep South defying gravity Denzel Washington deployment depression Deuce Bigalow diets director disabilities disabled divorce documentary dominic allen Douglas Morton Douglas Preston Down's Syndrome Downtown Shreveport Dragonlance Dragons drive drug abuse Dust dysfunctional family Earth Matter eating disorders Ed McCormack editor egon schiele Elissa Schappell Ellen Degeneres Emily Lisker Endtime Magazine Eric Gipson Erich Fromm Esther Barend eugene mcbride Evelyne Tannehill Excercist expression expressionism Facebook failure faith family fantasy art feature film fiction figurative figurative art figurative art collectors figurative expressionism figurative expressionism contemporary figurative expressionism definition figurative expressionist film filmmaker Finding Fish fine art Finnian's Journey fire Flea Frank Conroy Fredric Almond functional family fundamentalist religion Gallery Gallery and Studio Gaming Gary Powell gay gay adoption gay issues gender George Bailey Georgia German Germany Bonell Gideon's Sword Gina Mollicone-Long Glamour glee Glenn Beck God God No God's in Alabama Godz Taylor Grand Central Grand Central Publishing grandparents graphic artist Greenleaf Book Group Greenspan grief growing up Guggenheim Haiti half a life happiness Harlan Ellison hero High Przekop. writing high school Hodgkin's Lymphoma Holy Blood Holy Grail homeless homelessness hope horror How to Tie a Tie Hrag vartanian human brain development human nature Hurricane Hotel hydrocephalus hyperallergic hyperallergic.com identity Ileen Skeen illness falsification illustrator imperfect endings Incendiary Incognito Witch individuality intentional practice interivew interview Interviews Iowa Writer's Workshop Iraq Irvin Baxter ishiguro Israel It's a wonderful life James Michener Jean Marc Calvet Jeff Bridges Jeff Goins Jennifer Bolen Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints Jesus Take the Wheel Jim Shepard Jimmy Breslin John Cafferty John currin John Gilstrap john K. Lawson Joshilyn Jackson journey Joyce Dibona Julianna Baggott Julie Gregory Justin Bieber Justin Bua kandinsky Karin Perez Karina Sala kathy Ostman-Magnusen Katie Holmes Kelly Brorsheim Kevin O'Hanlon kids Kimmelman kristen stewart LA large families Larry Brubaker Laura Shumaker lesbian LGBT lies life tabernacle Liimu McGill Lina Bonell Lincoln Child Linda Wisniewski Link Lisa Morguess Lisa See Little Bee Lizzie Miller loneliness loner looking for love Lori McKenney Los Angeles losing my religion lost pregnancy Lou Patrou Louisiana Louisiana art Love Love Your Body Love Your Life Lovestruck Lovestuck Summer Luiz Cavalli madness Making Ideas Happen Malcolm Gladwell man in woman's body manic depression maranatha school marc zegans Margaret Weis mari yamagiwa Marina Hadley Marisa Acocella Marchetto Mark Twain mark zuckerberg marker art marriage Marya Hornbacher marya hornbacker Master Innovation Group materialism Max's Kansas City maya angelou meaning Melissa Walker memoir mental health mental illness Miami Mice don't taste like chicken Michael Bamberger Michael Chabon Michael Cunningham Michael Seif Michael Smerconish Micheal Jordan mid-life crises middle grade fiction midlife Mikic Miley Cyrus military ministry Minya miscarriage mixed media Mojo Perry Molly Kellogg Monkdogz monkdogz urban art motherhood mothers motivation movie review MS MTV multiple sclerosis multitalent Munchausen by proxy Museum of Natural History music musicians muslim My Losing Season My Summer Friend mysteries of the universe N. E. Bode narcolepsy Narcolepsy network narcotics nature Navy never let me go New Jersey New Orleans New York City New York Times News Newsweek Ninety Naps a Day No War Norman Lear norsworthy gallery novel novels nude art nudes NYC o.y.l. Obama obsession obsessive compulsive disorder OCD Off kilter opioids Oprah Oprah Magazine Oprah Winfrey orphan Other Outliers painting Parentless Parents Paris Party of One passion pastor Pat Conroy Patti LaBelle Pearl Lounge Pema Chodron penelope Penelope Academy of Art University Penelope Przekop Penelope Przekop. writing Penelope Przekop. writing life Penn and Teller Penn Jillette perfection peripheral arterial disease phantom pain Philadelphia photography phychology Phyllis Whitney picasso Please Love Me plexiglas plus size models poem poetry Politics pregnancy Print Magazine Procession of the Dead producer progressive Prophetess Przekop przekop. writing psychedelic Psychology Today psychotic break publishing pulmonary fibrosis Purple Heart purpose of art PWN queer quilting Quote Quotes R. L. Stine R.E.M. fundamentalist rage Randy Thurman rape Raul Rudd reading reality Red Hot Chili Peppers relationships relativity relevance relgion religilous Religion religious review Reviews Revolutionary Road Richard Yates Robert Trudeau robert zemeckis rock Rock and roll Rock Band Rogue Space roller coasters Rothko Rouge Space same-sex parents San Diego Sandra Carey Cody Sandro La Ferla Santiago Betancur Sarah Maria Scarred for Life Sci-port science fiction scoliosis Scott Belsky scott heydt screenwriter sculpture Sebastien Aurillon second coming of Christ selective mutism Selective Mutism Group SETI sex change Shanghai Girls Sheffield film festival Sheila Parr Sheila Wolk Shreveport Shreveport Art Shreveport artist Sickened Simon Cowell simon schuster singer single parenting sleep disorders sleepiness Soho Soho artists solo show songwriter Sonny Sookie Stackhouse Sophie Kinsella soul southern southern culture spanish special education spina bifida sports art Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj stabbed Stephen King stillborn stubborn teen support survey Take this blog and shove it talent tales from the script Taylor Dynasty teaching teen poetry teen runaway teen stories teen suicide teenagers teens television Teresa Lauer Terri Cheney The Art of Loving The Belly Dancer The Center of Winter The Children's Aid Society The Climb The Mentor The Milwaukees The Netherlands The New York Pearl Lounge The New Yorker the provence cure for the brokenhearted The Second Coming The Swinger therapy Think or Sink Tiger Woods tim harakal tin house TM Muzik Tom Grimes Toni Morrison tough love Tracy J. Thomas transgendered tribulation True Blood truth twenty somethings Twin Towers two dads two mothers Tyrone Patrick Fehey unresolved issues urban art van gogh vanity fair veterans vietnam war vincent van gogh violence Violet by Design voice Waiora war Washington wasted water What Dat Nation Where do I find art in Shreveport Why She Plays Wicked Wizard of Oz WNBA women's basketball World War II writer writer's life writers writing YA Year One young love young person youth youth sports Zoe Fitzgerald Carter
6527212 November 05, 2010

Holding onto Her Hat: Marya Hornbacher


"Dealing with a wayward mind can be so tricky; creative work or even a creative way of looking at the world can give you a means of holding onto your hat in a way that does not require an adherence to a “normal” or “average” way of thinking or living."

Sometimes I wonder if my interest in art and literature is selfish.  I wonder how valuable my contribution really is, and to whom.  Who really cares what I do, and why should they?  Of course, if I'm the only one who cares--if I do it for myself--back comes the selfishness.  This thought process pulls me into the heart of Aberration Nation, the part about how much life can suck.  All the responsibilities, the cultural expectations, and the cost of it all weighs me down. 

All I can really do is somehow hang onto my hat, focusing on what makes it all feel worthwhile. I recently read about Maya Angelo saying if she couldn't see the world through the lens of writing, she just wouldn't make it; she wouldn't see a purpose in it.  The parts of life that excite me keep me going.  Despite how small and insignificant they may seem to others, they bring me purpose. 

I've been asked, "Why do you need a purpose?" 

I don't know the answer to that question.

There are lots of folks who don't seem to focus on having an ultimate reason for being here.  They just do what they have to do, moving through life at a steady pace.  Sometimes I think they're the lucky ones; the unselfish ones.  On the other hand, I'm constantly nitpicking over who I am, what I should be, why I'm here, what I'm supposed to be doing with what's in my head, etc.  I'm overwhelmed by the sheer numbers of people in existence, and I can't bear to be an ant in a pile of something that looks a lot like crap.  It makes me sound like a self-centered narcissist, but I'm not. 

My mind is like a train station.  Numerous trains of thought, pieces of who I am, crisscross through at any given time.  I can focus in on one train, or I can step back and view the bigger picture.  I know them all so well, moving back and forth across the terrain of my soul.  I know where each one came from, but I don't always know where they're headed.  What is their objective and when do they rest?  When I'm writing and painting, they somehow come together.  They miraculously begin to move in the same direction.  I see the beauty of their connection and alignment. I begin to see something that makes sense emerge from the hodgepodge of my life.    

My guest today, NY Times bestselling author Marya Hornbacher knows what it's like to struggle with mental demons; however different they may be from my own.  She's knows how never ending cycles of crazy thinking can drive a person to the edge.  I absolutely love her writing!  I respect her ability to navigate through the complex emotional maze that is her life while delivering phenomenal creative work.

Among other things she says here, I love her comment about creativity providing an avenue for hat holdingI get it.  No matter what I'm actually here for, I know that without my hat, I'm doomed.  So I keep holding on, and by doing so, I move forward while the trains in my head zip endlessly along the circuitous routes they travel.   


The path to publication seems to be a little different for each writer. How did it come about for you? Are you surprised by your success?

The path to publication for was, for me, a little odd. Like many writers, I started out in journalism, which was both something I loved (still do) and something I needed to pay my bills while I wrote and published poetry. Publishing in journalism and literary magazines was quite traditional. Things took a sharp left turn with the publication of an article I wrote on eating disorders. The article won an award, and the judge called me—if I recall correctly, I was wearing my pajamas and puttering around the house—and asked if he could be of any help in my career. I was twenty. I was a little startled. I had no idea how he might help me. The long and short of it was that he passed my work along to an agent, the agent signed me, and suddenly I found myself writing Wasted. I absolutely never intended to write a memoir. I certainly didn’t intend to do so at 21. So, departing from my grand plans to be a poet, I found myself in a totally different world.

The word “success” gives me the willies. I don’t really understand what it means. I suppose that technically I have had some. But frankly, I feel most of the successes in my life are personal, not professional. And those successes mean more to me, too. So, yes, I’d have to say I’m surprised by the very concept as applied to me.

How old were you when you realized that you wanted to be a writer? Can you tell us about any specific role models or mentors who inspired and/or encouraged you?

I was four. I had been given a blank book as a present. I remember the blank pages made me very nervous, so I decided I would write a novel so they would not be blank. I wrote a terribly derivative thing, based entirely on a play I had seen. Shortly after that, I wrote a short story called “Clouds,” having discovered the copier in my mother’s office, and promptly made 500 copies of “Clouds,” because that was pretty nifty. My first poem was called “Yellow,” and began, “I like yellow.” For this poem, I received an F; it did not rhyme. I was pissed; I didn’t think poems had to rhyme.

Mentors: at first, my parents, who were voracious readers, had a spectacular library, and read to me constantly. Years later, when I was a student at an arts high school, I was blindsided by all the possibilities writing contained when I studied with novelist and poet Jack Driscoll, screenwriter Terry Caszatt, and my lit professor, Nick Bozanic. These men introduced me to such a range of writing I’d never encountered that it made my head spin; they also made me work so hard I thought I’d positively explode. It was heavenly. In my early adulthood, I was mentored by poet and journalist Paul Trachtman, with whom I continue a thrilling discussion of poetry to this day. My dear mentor and friend Brian Anderson, journalist, recently passed away, and it broke my heart. These people have been astonishing gifts to me, and have taught me, pretty much, everything I know—which is that I know not very much.

You've written both memoir and fiction. Do you have a favorite, and if so, what drives that choice? Can you share your thoughts on how and why you're able to express yourself through both genres?

I vastly prefer writing fiction, though it is excruciatingly difficult for me, and takes me ages. I don’t much care for writing memoir; both my memoirs were written because I believed there was a hole in the literature that my perspective might be able to begin to fill. Perhaps I should provide a caveat; I do not like writing memoirs about things so difficult as mental illness and addiction. I enjoy the personal essay form just fine, and much of my journalism is written in the first person; but the two memoirs I’ve written have been very painful. My first novel, The Center of Winter, is my personal favorite of my books, possibly because it took me an absurd amount of time and I know it so well; the book I’m working on now, a second novel, is much broader in scope, and I feel like I have far more control over it than I did the first one. Which makes some sense, I suppose; writing a first novel, one is sort of flying by the seat of one’s pants, which isn’t so fun. This one is more fun.

A note on the phrase “express [oneself]” with regard to artistic work of any kind: I’m not sure that’s really what one is doing. My sense is that one is more connecting with a reader (or listener, or viewer), not as much expressing the self per se.

In your memoirs, Wasted and Madness, you describe your struggle with mental illness. How has being highly creative has helped you deal with those aberrations over the years?

I think more than anything, a creative streak has given me a sense of humor. Without that, I’m not sure how I would handle mental illness, or how I would interpret or experience it in a way that was tolerable (let alone readable). Beyond that, I think I’ve always been able to hold onto the knowledge that my creativity was one of my strong points, one of the only things I really believed in about myself, and having that gave me a kind of ballast through the various storms. Dealing with a wayward mind can be so tricky; creative work or even a creative way of looking at the world can give you a means of holding onto your hat in a way that does not require an adherence to a “normal” or “average” way of thinking or living.

I grew up believing that there was a strong link between creativity and mental illness. It was a belief that kept me from fully exploring my own creativity. I know now that mental illness can strike all types of people, and that all types of people can be highly creative. Given that you are a highly creative person who has struggled with mental illness, do you believe the link is a damaging stereotype in our society? What are your thoughts on this?

There’s definitely a genetic tendency in people who are predisposed to mental illness to also be creative; but, as you say, mental illness is not necessarily a determinate factor in creative people. There are many, many people who are highly creative who do not deal with mental illness. So I think the perception that one must be “mad” or a “mad genius” is, frankly, absurd, though it has roots in ancient cultures that believed people with mental illness to be accessing the voices of the gods. So that’s probably an idea old enough to discard, yes?

       The other problematic factor in the mad-genius theory is that it creates a resistance to treatment in people with mental illness who worry that their creative abilities or creative tendencies will be lost if they take medication, stabilize their moods, or in any way take care of their mental disorder. The fact is, while those things (medication, mental stability, lack of mania) change the way in which one creates—for example, I no longer write maniacally all night long for weeks on end—stability does not in any way spell the end of creativity. It spells the consistency of creative production. Those manic weeks of nonstop work, which I didn’t want to lose, turn out in retrospect to have been mostly productive of inconsistent, not very high-quality work after all. The work I am able to do now—sitting down at my desk every day at 8 and working till 5—is vastly more consistent in quality, quantity, and voice. The mind, when out of control, cannot produce consistent creative work; it can soar and crash, but not steadily produce. So I stick with my meds

Have you ever had to deal with people in your life failing to understand your creative personality, interests, or drive? If so, can you tell us about it and how you've dealt with it?

I was lucky enough to be born into a highly creative family—mostly artists, writers, and teachers—and so my creativity was really sort of taken as a given, as was my general eccentricity. My drive to do creative work was—I am very thankful for this—encouraged at all times, except when work in general overtook my health, which is ultimately counterproductive anyway and obviously damaging to the mind. Certainly I’ve run into people who thought I was (to quote Shakespeare) “passing strange,” and have had relationships of one kind or another with them that felt awful and constraining; it was difficult to explain my need to work on writing when others thought I might need to work on, for example, laundry or dinner parties. The funniest thing my husband ever said to me was, after I’d been locked in my office for two months writing a poem, emerging mostly to eat and sleep—anyway, we were fighting about the fact that I was totally undomesticated and no help whatsoever around the house, and I yelled, “I’ve been working nonstop!” and he narrowed his eyes and said, “What exactly do you do?” Which of course made me want to hit him with a pan. But over time he’s gotten pretty used to my oddities, and realized that mostly I’m going to write, and that’s that. So in truth, I’ve been lucky—and at the times when I’ve encountered people who didn’t get it, I just threw up my hands and let those people think whatever they were going to think.

When the sh-t hits the fan, many of us tend to wallow over our imperfections and situations as if nothing could possibly be worse. We feel sorry for ourselves, guilty, and undeserving of happiness. We forget that there is always someone out there who has it worse than us. How were you able to avoid letting those powerful emotions sabotage your happiness and success?

I struggle with that stuff as much as anyone else, I suppose—the feeling of being undeserving, unsuccessful, yada yada yada, obsessing about imperfections, and so forth. What I do is mostly ignore myself and proceed with the work. A great line by Mary Karr, when discussing her need to work: “It was time to apply my ass to a desk chair and just get it done.” I am totally misquoting, but the point stands. When I do start to feel that I have it worse than anyone else (cue tiny violins), I volunteer and do work for people who IN FACT have it a hell of a lot worse than me and struggle constantly with things I tend to take for granted. I spend a good deal of time doing pro bono and volunteer work, and honestly that work is far more important to me than anything else that I do. It keeps me sane, honest, and in my place.

Have you developed a specific creative process that enables you to meet your writing goals? If so, can you tell us about it, and also share any thoughts you may have on the role discipline and organization play in reaching creative goals?

My writing process involves a great deal of neurosis which, as I said above, requires concentrated ignoring. Mostly what I find effective is the ass-applied-to-desk-chair approach. The best line I’ve ever heard on this was from Nabokov, maybe? or possibly someone else? Anyway, this person was giving a lecture, and a young audience member asked him, “Do you write only when you’re inspired?” and he replied, “Yes, and I’m inspired every morning at precisely 8 a.m.” I have that posted above my desk. Sometimes the writing (or whatever creative endeavor is yours) is there and flows naturally; sometimes it’s like pulling out your own teeth. Either way works, but you have to make the effort. When it comes to feeling like I have “writer’s block,” I just start writing whatever—lists, nonsense, general ideas—and wait for the real writing to come, and whether that takes an hour or a week, it always does come. When I hate what I’m writing, I write something else. When I don’t want to write, I read something better than I can write myself and at least try to learn something. But in any case, discipline and organization are deeply deeply deeply important for me, and I hear for a lot of other artists as well.

With regard to your current creative focus, was there an "ah-ha" moment you can tell us about?

I realized the other day that the book I was writing was actually two books. This is not the first time this has happened. So I had to put half the book in a drawer—the half I had written—and start the second half—the half I had NOT written, and had merely sketched out. In short, I had to start from scratch, because that was the book I really wanted to write right then, so that was the book I figured I’d better write. I find conversations with myself and with other people extremely helpful in spinning out my thoughts on what I’m writing and finding out what I mean by saying it out loud; equally helpful is hearing other people talk about their work and their ah-ha moments, because it reminds me that the process of creative production is mostly random and exploratory rather than logical and orderly (this is why the imposition of organization and discipline is necessary).

Another ah-ha moment of late is realizing the writing (creative work of any kind) is more like an archaeological dig than it is like a race—the work is all in there, just waiting to be discovered, and it requires patience and little brushes and spades and a huge amount of effort, but you can’t expect it to just appear fully formed on the page. It won’t do that. It has to be found.

     What is your primary motto or mantra in life? Why is this important to you?

“Of those to whom much has been given, much shall be required.” It keeps me mindful of just how damn lucky I am in countless ways, and that therefore I have the responsibility to give back, all the time, in any way I can. This is the work of a life, not just the work of a creative life. And it seems to me that while my creative life can in some cases be a way of giving back, there’s more I need to do, so I try to do it.

What's next for Marya Hornbacher?

I’m at work on a novel and a collection of poetry. I’m teaching, which is more inspirational than anything I know besides reading voraciously, and in the next few years I’ll be going back to school to do a PhD in literature. The next few books will be novels, then the poetry, and then I’ll get back to nonfiction.

Read more →

6527212 November 11, 2009

Body Loathing: An Aberration Story

Beauty is a socially-constructed phenomenon.

I hate to say it but ... I think about my body a lot. I try not to focus on it too much but it's like a screeching monkey on my back. The relationship between me and my 5 foot 9 inch body has seen many stages. It's basically been a love-hate relationship.

Sound familiar?

My closet is filled with clothes spanning four sizes. I never weigh myself anymore; I simply evaluate the situation based on which size fits at the moment. I try to eat healthy, and usually stick to that. However, occasionally I get fixated on a particular food and can't stop eating it. Lately it's been Jalapeno Doritos. I don't like to cook, partially because I've always known that if I cook, I'll eat more. I've always seen food as a sort of enemy. Why would I create or give life, more power, to my enemy?

When I was about eighteen, I took diet pills and starved myself until my heart rate became so erratic that I had to see a heart specialist. I was embarrassed to tell the doctor that I was (essentially) overdosing on diet pills. He couldn't thoroughly evaluate the issue. What a mess! I was tall, thin as a rail, and working as a runway model. Was I happy?

Absolutely not.

So you see, body image is a topic that resonates with me. I'm guessing it's also important to you. I've written about Lizzie Miller, the normal young woman Glamour deemed beautiful, and have interviewed Marya Hornbacher about her intense struggle with eating disorders. Now meet Sarah Maria. Sarah is a body-image expert who helps people love their bodies no matter how they look. She shows people how to discover the beauty that is already inside of them, right now, in this moment.

Sarah's book, Love Your Body, Love Your Life, evolved from her 14 year struggle to find peace, happiness, and success by ‘controlling’ her body. She accepted that common, pervasive, and deadly poisonous cultural myth: If I am thin, then I am beautiful … I am worthwhile … I am successful, accomplished, and lovable. She made her self-worth, self-image, and all hope of ever being happy, entirely dependent on ‘external factors’ – primarily, trying to live up to an unrealistic, and ultimately unattainable, set of media-imposed standards for how she should look.
Unfortunately ... I can relate.

You have a passion for helping people accept themselves as they are. Why is this important to you?

I have a passion for helping people accept themselves as they are because I know what can happen when a person realizes that they are already perfect exactly as they are. Conversely, I know what happens when people do not accept themselves and instead live at war with their bodies and themselves. When people do not accept themselves, when they have conflict within themselves about themselves, there is pain and suffering. People live in a psychological prison, unable to create what they want, unable to move in the direction they want to go. On the other hand, when people learn to accept themselves, as they discover that they are already perfect, they can live with an unshakable peace and confidence. They can more easily and effortlessly create what they desire in life, whatever that may be. Accepting yourself totally and completely is the only sane way to live and yields benefits in every area of life. I know what is possible; I know the magic and beauty that is available to people, and it is my passion to help people break free and claim the life of their dreams.

You're obviously an intelligent woman. You graduated from high school early due to skipping grades and then received your first degree at 20 years old. Why is it that even the most intelligent women can't seem to accept that womanly worth should not be based on outward appearance? Can you explain why this happened to you?

This is a great question, and thank you for asking it. In my experience, “intelligence” is a somewhat vague term that often produces confusion. There are many different types of intelligence – academic intelligence, emotional intelligence, kinaesthetic intelligence, etc. There is often no correlation between the different types of intelligence. This is to say that someone might have an incredibly high IQ but little to no emotional intelligence. This is why you can always find brilliant people who do “stupid” things. In my case, academic intelligence did not help me avoid being brainwashed by predominant cultural beliefs about beauty. In fact, my academic intelligence might have aided in the brainwashing. My deepest desire was to be loved, approved of, successful, etc. Since I was academically gifted, I continued to excel in academics and receive approval, without addressing the core emotional and psychological issues that were motivating my behaviour. In my experience, human beings have underlying patterns that drive their behaviours throughout life. These psychological and emotional patterns dictate beliefs, attitudes, and behaviours much more than IQ level. This is why the most important form of intelligence is always self-knowledge. It is when you learn to look inside and discover yourself that you can free yourself from any negative patterns that are keeping you trapped and perpetuating your suffering.

What made you decide to write Love Your Body, Love Your Life? You have gone through your own struggles with body-loathing. What did you learn? And what tips can you share with others undergoing the same struggle?

I decided to write this book because I experienced first-hand the intense pain, suffering, and agony that can accompany Negative Body Obsession, eating disorders, and low self-esteem. I also know that freedom from this hell is completely possible. I want this book to reach people who are struggling with any and all of the above. I also wrote this book to help people think critically about concepts such as beauty, as well as the beliefs, thoughts, and ideas that so many people take for granted.

Beauty is a socially-constructed phenomenon. Different body types, different looks, different sizes are considered beautiful at different times in history. In the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries, curvy and voluptuous was considered stunning. In this culture in this century, thin and muscularly toned is considered sexy. When people recognize that there is no inherent truth in these concepts of beauty, that it is in fact a cultural preference that changes overtime, it helps to dissolve this illusion that how they look is somehow tied to their value and self-worth as an individual. For many people struggling with a negative body image, they believe that how they look is somehow indicative of, or related to, their self-worth as individuals. Nothing could be further from the truth.

When people realize that it is a cultural phenomenon, they can begin to free themselves from the whims and preferences of other people and the world around them, and instead discover and experience their own inherent and unique beauty.

In terms of tips, I would recommend the five steps that I outline in Love Your Body, Love Your Life.

First step: Set an intention to learn how to love your body. You might have no idea how to make this happen, simply set the intention to see your body and yourself as inherently perfect and lovable.

Step Two: Identify and Detach from Negative Thoughts. Become aware of what you are thinking and learn techniques for disconnecting from your negative body thoughts.

Step Three: Discover who You really Are. Discover the truth that you are already perfect, have always been, and will always be. Come to know that part of yourself that is beyond the thoughts you think and the sensations you experience.

Step Four: Befriend your Body. Most people have an adversarial relationship with their bodies. Your body is the very best friend you will ever have. Learn how to relate to your body as a friend instead of foe.

Step Five: Live Your Purpose. Everyone is here for purpose and on purpose. When you learn to live this purpose in every moment of your life, you will transform you life from one of pain and struggle to one of joy and energy.

Sometimes women who appear to "have it all" are miserable while other women seems comfortable with themselves and their lives. Why is that?

There are many reasons for this and it is impossible to make a blanket statement, since every person is unique. What I can say is that “external” signs of accomplishment or “having it all”, such as money, friends, family, health, “beauty”, can have absolutely no correlation to how people feel about themselves and their lives. Everyone has their own story, their own way patterns, their own way of relating the world. When you look at someone else, it can seem like they have everything, yet they are miserable. There simply is no correlation between what you as an observer thinks someone has and what in fact is going on inside their reality.

Body-loathing seems to be rampant, especially in young girls and women. Why is this happening? Is it all the fault of the media and fashion industry?

This is an important question and one that I talk about at length in the book, so I will be brief here. No, it is not all the fault of the media and fashion industry, although this certainly plays a role. The real reason, the underlying reason, is the delusional thought-pattern that says we are not good enough the way we are. Whether the belief is about your body size, your bank account, your lack of love, whatever it is, there is the underlying belief that we are somehow lacking something, that we are not quite good enough, that we would be better if and when we change something about ourselves. This whole thought process is what creates and perpetuates the problem. This belief system is what causes people to look at fashion magazines, models, etc. and then think that they somehow would be better, that they would be more beautiful if they looked that way instead of the way they look, if only they had that body instead of the body they have. This is utter nonsense. It is this fundamental belief and experience of not being good enough that creates the body-loathing and all manner of pain and suffering.

Someone recently pointed out to me that human bodies are like snowflakes. No two are the same; they are exquisitely unique. Why do we see the unique qualities of snowflakes as beautiful and the unique qualities of the human body as flaws? We've not decided there is a perfect snowflake and all others are flawed. This seems too basic, but is it because we must cover our bodies and therefore, we all need to fit into the same clothing sizes?

Great question! The reason we see the unique qualities of the human body as flaws is because of mental conditioning. The problem truly is with our eyes, not with our bodies. The body is inherently perfect. It is the human mind that creates the problems. I love your analogy of the snow flake. In Love Your Body, Love Your Life, I use the analogy of flowers. Can you imagine a rose looking at a tulip and lamenting its existence because it was not as beautiful as a tulip? This would be ludicrous, yet it is exactly what we do as human beings. We lament our perfection because we do not look like someone else. This is ridiculous and tragic.

Simply set right your idea of yourself. You were born perfect, whole, and complete, and you will remain that way forever. If you cannot see this, figure out what you need to do to heal your mind and purify your eyes so that you can see clearly.

What do you think of the recent Lizzie Miller body image craze? I wrote about Lizzie Miller on Aberration Nation before her photos became a big deal, so I'm happy Glamour paid attention to the eventual outcry. I hope we'll see lasting effects in the fashion industry, but am not sure that will happen. Your thoughts on this?

I think it is great that Glamour has been willing to have more inclusive photos. I know Glamour went on to have a photo shoot with a number of plus-size models. I also think it is great that women were so excited about seeing a different type of body in the magazine. However, there is still very much a bias to young. I think Lizzie Miller is in her early twenties, if I am recalling correctly, and the oldest model in their photo shoot was 35. I think developing an inclusive standard of beauty requires much more than what has been done. Yet this is a beginning and it certainly a step in the right direction. Ultimately it will require women to continue to speak out and support those magazines and companies that promote women’s natural beauty. If women will buy magazines with photos of real women, magazines will be much more willing to showcase them. Same is true for fashion, etc. There is a great deal of power in consumer opinion.

Now that you've written a book about body image and are helping others to accept themselves, do you still have days when doubts about your own body creep up? What do you say to yourself when that happens?

This is an interesting and important question. I would say that generally, no, I do not have doubts about my own body. I generally live with a sense of peace about my body and do not worry about it much either way. It is what it is and it is perfect as it is. That being said, occasionally I might notice what I call a Negative Body Thought. For example, when I go clothes shopping, an activity I truly dislike and always have, I might notice a negative body thought creep in as I stand in front of the mirror under fluorescent lights. If a negative body thought shows up in my mind, I simply disregard it and let it go. It has become a so much of a habit that I simply do not pay attention to it. I know the truth of the matter, and the thought does not have any influence over me. That being said, it took me a while to get to this place of effortlessness. When I first started, I needed to be much more pro-active in talking back to negative body thoughts and claiming my freedom. Now it is very habitual and I do not need to think about it. As soon as a negative body thought arises, I counter with another thought or simply disregard it and move on. So at first it can seem very difficult to find freedom from these thoughts, but with time it becomes habitual, just like riding a bike.

Do you have a personal life motto that you can share with us?

Most certainly. I have two mottos that are very much related and that guide my life constantly. They come from the great Indian sage Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj.

The first one is: “You are perfect, only you don’t know it. Learn to know yourself and you will discover wonders. All you need is already within you, only you must approach yourself with reverence and love. Self-condemnation and self-distrust are grievous errors…Make love of yourself perfect. Deny yourself nothing – give yourself infinity and eternity and discover that you do not need them; you are beyond.”

The other motto that I always hold in my heart is “You are love longing for the love-worthy, the perfectly lovable. Find it within and your search will be over.”

Read more →

6527212 January 16, 2009

Hunger: An Aberration Story


"... this circuitous path I've walked has brought me to a wonderful place."

The verb hunger means to have a strong desire. Lust, crave, itch, thirst. Those are its synonyms. We all hunger for basic emotional needs such as love, acceptance, control, and freedom. And the reality is that some of us focus on these necessities much more than others due to genetics, stress, and personal history.

If only we could place our hands around those wonderful intangibles and shove them into the few open orifices we have. If there were only a safe, fantastical pill that could carry all that we crave deep into the bowels of who we are. Could we finally be satisfied? Could we be content with the face in our mirror--warts, curves, and all?

If there were such a pill, it just might work. But there is no magic panacea, and there never will be. If there was, Marya Hornbacher would surely have found it. In her critically acclaimed memoir, Wasted, Marya shares her courageous battle with anorexia and bulimia. Both conditions continue to be perpetuated by our size zero, competitive society. If our strengths can also be our weaknesses, it may also be true for culture. The American dream, the self-made man, and the ability to have it all has a darker side in more ways than one. Our cultural legacy to control our own destiny, and captain our own courageous ship, has a sharp edge that just may kill you on the way to your dream.

Marya has joined the Aberration Nation. Her reflective answers about her journey as well as how our culture continues to undermine those susceptible to all types of eating disorders is fascinating, well-said, honest, and inspiring. No doubt, the same aspects that made her memoir a Pulitzer Prize nominee.

You've been diagnosed with and have overcome anorexia and bulimia. While many of us are now generally familiar with anorexia and bulimia, can you tell us in plain terms what they're really all about? I suspect that some of us still don't get it.

Eating disorders are complicated, and touch all areas of a person's life--his or her body, mind, and spirit are all affected, and all are involved in the development of the disorders as well. The usual answer given to the question of "what are eating disorders about?" is "control"--and that's not wrong. People with anorexia, bulimia, binge eating disorder, and the variations on these themes, tend to struggle with a sense that they are out of control of their lives and their worlds; the desire for control is then projected onto the body, as a kind of "object" that can be controlled, or so we are told and often believe. In my own experience, eating disorders are very much about fear; the fear that one is too much, not enough, not right, all wrong, and on and on, in a kind of endless refrain of inadequacy and excess, as well as a fear about one's ability to navigate the challenging waters of life and the world. They are also a manifestation of this culture's obsession with food, body, and weight, and a literalization of the rather deathly images of beauty that are plastered on the walls of our Western world. I am always surprised that people can possibly wonder why some of us get eating disorders, when they are in fact encouraged and rewarded in so many ways. The hell of it is, you often set out with the belief that "losing a few pounds" will make you happier in some vague way, and find that, because of your personal makeup and set of issues, you are caught up in an often-fatal addiction.

Your struggle with eating disorders began at very young age. Can you tell us about that, and explain how young children can also be susceptible to eating disorders?

I developed bulimia when I was nine. It was less common back then for someone to develop an eating disorder so young, but it's terrifyingly frequent now. Children are exposed to the same cultural messages as the rest of us, but they have even fewer filters to help them understand what they're being told; children who are predisposed, through personality, chemistry, and/or family, to develop addictive or otherwise unhealthy behaviors, may develop eating disorders very early on. Children, both boys and girls, are aware of the pressure to have some mythical "perfect" body, translated usually as a thin body, and they may take that pressure very seriously and try to respond. Some kids grow up in families that are actively body- and food-obsessed, so they are aware of the pressures at home as well. In my case, there was a combination of family pressure and obsession with food and weight, plus my own excessive awareness of the larger cultural pressure, plus the various personality traits that contribute to eating disorder development (such as perfectionism, competitiveness, and self-dislike), as well as an underlying mental illness (in my case, bipolar disorder); this combination is not terribly uncommon.

How did you come to be diagnosed with anorexia and bulimia? How did you initially cope? What were some of the greatest challenges to overcoming these aberrations?

I was diagnosed at the age of 16, when the medical toll of the disorders was great enough that I couldn't hide them anymore, and I was hospitalized. My hope is that families, friends, teachers, and counselors are more aware of eating disorders these days and can identify the signs sooner. As is usually the case, I was deeply disinterested in recovery at first, and seriously in denial about the severity of the problem; I didn't want help, and refused to cooperate in my own care. It wasn't until several years and many hospitalizations later that I made the choice to recover. At that time, I clung hard to the people I loved, who were extremely supportive, and I worked my butt off in therapy to get at the root of my troubles. But the simple process of re-learning how to take care of my body, and to trust it, was the most immediately necessary step toward recovering. You can wonder about your issues all you want, but if you don't take active steps to change your behavior, you won't get far. The greatest challenge was my own fear of recovery--I had had an eating disorder for so long that I couldn't discern where I ended and the eating disorder began, so recovering seemed very threatening. A second challenge was tuning out all of those cultural messages that encourage obsession and self-damaging behaviors. That's hard to do, and very necessary. You have to become stronger than the messages you hear, and define for yourself who you want to be, defining that person not by how you look or how much you do, but by who you are and what you believe.

Was there a turning point in your recovery? If so, what made the difference in your life? Was it ultimately something that someone else did for you or said, or was it an internal change or resolve that saved you?

There were people all along the way whose words helped me, even though they didn't magically make things better. I drew on those words of support and encouragement and challenge, and I still do. There is unfortunately no magic moment when one turns the corner; it's a combination of other people's assistance and your own internal determination to live a better life unrestricted by obsession. At a certain point in early recovery, though, I did make the decision to stop the behaviors (binging, purging, starving, over-exercising) absolutely, no matter what; that was a tough decision to make and stick with, but it can be done. I told myself that I was giving health six months--if I hated living without my eating disorder, I could always go back. And while it was hard to live without it, it was so much better in every way to live in freedom that I stuck it out. Gradually, living healthy got easier, and then it became natural, and now it's just the way I live. Getting through those first difficult stages is the hardest part; then the rewards of health come fast and furious, and you begin to see how much you were missing while you were sick.

Can one fully recover from anorexia and/or bulimia, or do they pose a lifelong struggle similar to alcoholism? How have you managed to remain healthy?

One can fully recover. It isn't easy, and unfortunately there is the belief that it can't be done; this belief encourages people to think it isn't worth trying. But it is worth it. The comparison with alcoholism isn't entirely off, though; I am a recovering alcoholic, and I don't think of it as something I "struggle" with, or will struggle with all my life. It isn't a struggle to stay off the sauce; it's a choice, and the real work is the personal growth one needs to continue doing over the years. I also know that I am at a higher risk of winding up drunk than is the average person, so I have to make sure I'm doing the personal work I need to in order to stay away from that first drink. Similarly, I'm at a higher risk for relapsing into eating disordered behavior than your average person is; I need to keep doing the personal work to stay away from that, too. But the idea of these things as "struggle" gives them a negative connotation that they don't have to have; they are choices one maintains with consistent effort. That's a good thing, not a bad thing.

You have gone on to become an accomplished writer and advocate. What has been the biggest struggle in achieving your goals and how have you managed?

The biggest obstacle to meeting my goals has always been my fear. I think that stops more people from realizing their personal dreams than anything else. Fear is my biggest challenge, and I meet it by doing the things I want to do whether they scare me or not. As Georgia O'Keeffe said, "I'm afraid all the time. But I never, never let it stop me." I wouldn't say I'm afraid all the time. But when I am, I don't let it stop me.

Anorexia and bulimia can be killers. While there seemed to be a considerable amount of attention given them in the late 80's and 90's, they seem to have slowly dropped on the radar since the year 2000. In the meantime, while the media and social pressures to be thin may have shifted a little, a large number of girls and women still idolize size zero, and obesity remains a national issue. Do you feel that enough has been done to educate people about eating disorders?

No. But I also feel that people are very resistant to seeing the way in which they are engaged in their own degree of obsession and body-hatred, and this is a big part of what perpetuates eating disorders. We have normalized a hatred of the body and an obsession with food to the point where we expect people to behave and feel in ways that are actually not normal at all; this is what I mean when I say that our culture is eating disordered. Not many people know what it would mean to truly take care of and respect their bodies, and that's what's strange. The fact that some percentage of the population develops full-blown eating disorders isn't odd at all; it's just an extreme form of what we have come to see as normal self-dislike and lack of self-care. I'm not saying it's acceptable, just that it isn't surprising. I believe the most effective education about eating disorders would be to ask people to look at how they, too, obsess and engage in unhealthy behaviors; what do they believe about healthy, beauty, food, their bodies? The most important tool in changing society is the individual act. Until each of us, as individuals, make the decision to stop playing this game, there will be a problem in the cultural as a whole.

We would all love to have the easy route to happiness but it doesn't always happen that way. In what ways have the negative, powerful forces in your life enabled you to emerge as the courageous, positive person you are today? When you look back on your life, do you believe that the path it took led you to a great place?

I do. I am a very, very happy person, very grateful for the people in my life, and very blessed. Experience is a great teacher. I would prefer it if it hadn't taken me so long to learn what I have; no person's troubles are theirs alone, and the people I love have suffered through a lot with me. I wish that were not the case. But yes, I believe that this circuitous path I've walked has brought me to a wonderful place.

What are the top three things that friends and family can do for someone dealing with eating disorders?

1. Be honest. Don't ignore the problem. Tell them what you see, and be honest about how that makes you feel.
2. Help them find help. Don't try to take care of them, cure them, or fix them; know that these are complicated disorders that require the help of professionals wherever possible.
3. Once they have that help, don't coddle them. Love them, but be firm in your insistence that they keep working toward recovery.


Read more →