Pieces of Penelope (1985, 19 years old)

July 02, 2009

If you've been following along, this may be a good time to go back and read the introduction to The Aberration Nation Teen Event.

In 1985, my parents divorced. I had managed to isolate myself from everyone. Coincidentally, I studied death and dying in a medical sociology class. No one knew how I felt or what was going on in my day to day world.

Meanwhile, I was making straight A's in college, smiling a lot, and looking as if I hadn't a care in the world. In '84, I'd gotten involved with a guy who, unknowingly, managed to push every button necessary to unleash all the emotion I'd experienced as a result of my dysfunctional childhood environment.

In 1985, I hit rock bottom.

(On a lighter note, now everyone knows why I'm not a a poet ... remember, not award winning just honest.)

My heart is a flower,
That blossoms in the light,
Only to wither in the dark night,
A box that fills the inside up,
That clenches tight,
Deep within,
A desolate place that houses nothing,
My spirit burned to the ground,
Extinct,
Sacrificed for a promised future,
My human mind cannot yet see.


***

My heart grieves until it drips and bubbles,
Dancing flames, downing maiden,
This life I love drags me down,
Every room is filled with silent clowns,
Teasing me, hurting me,
Reminders of what I used to be.
Today my windows were open wide,
Teardrops fell like thunderstorms,
Time is late for it's appointment,
These wounds are open wide.
This love I feel is out of hand,
It drenches me when you're around,
Don't look my way, obey your mind,
Your silent strength I see right through,
That silence your heart believes,
Has no sound,
It screams at me through your eyes,
And into your heart it let's me spy,
But stay away, I can grow,
Away from you in time.

***

An exploding bomb,
Subconscious strength,
Hatred escaping,
Finally an open door.

***

Sitting stiffly in a crowded ugly space,
Faces laughing, bodies dancing,
Yet the space inside
Twists and squeezes
Like an empty swollen gut,
Paralyzed by the pain,
Rejection spreading through my hollow places
Like a disease winning,
Killing me.

***

Tonight a part of me must die,
I'm growing, learning everyday,
Yet this hidden strength blinds my way,
The strongest part,
The bitter heart,
That can't let go,
That can't forgive,
It's fighting for the chance to live.

Tonight a warrior must surrender,
This chip must crash, fall from my shoulder,
It's time to roll away the boulder,
The hardest part,
The broken heart,
That can't grow up,
That can't forget,
The overwhelming pain it's met.

Tonight a new heart must take form,
It's time to fit, pieces together,
So I can find my own forever,
The saddest part,
The loss of heart,
That must take place,
That must make room,
Now the new can fill its tomb.

***

A voice said,
"It's time to leave,"
I didn't want to go,
Then it yelled,
"Get out! Go home!"
The voice shed tears
I could not see.

A stream once flowed,
Pure emotion,
Beauty and a feeling
We dared not name,
The single soul
Once created
Now is lost,
No coming home.

Love and hate,
Our closest friends,
For a time,
Filled our cup,
Used us up,
Left behind,
We wagered war,
We paid the cost,
Now we've lost,
Each other.

***

This icy heart,
Will it part?
Shining through filtered light,
Revealing beauty yet unseen,
With eyes like yours,
Mirrors in my dreams.

If only these chambers could tell a story,
All they've seen and how they've grown,
My human soul is left unchanging, whilst
This heart is forever rearranging.

Two powers struggling inside of me,
Which holds me captive?
Which will set me free?

Dancing wildly on a sea of bitter salt,
A ritual reflecting deep turmoil,
The drumbeat of the heart my rhythm,
Drowning out the pain of healing.

The secret sea inside of me,
Rages wildly,
Building up,
Someday it's power will take control,
And burst through these doors inside my soul.

***

Dancing wildly about my lover,
As he stands so still,
Upon that majestic pedestal,
I alone built for him,
Beyond my reach,
Place by me in a faraway world,
Where he alone can go.

Now time has bruised my tender heart,
Frightened by his secret stare,
My heart trembles in its tightened space.

Bubbling blood streams from my eyes,
Windows to my inner soul,
That fail to hide the wounds,
Wounds from the battle,
Our battle.

***

Love slammed her door,
On intellect pounding,
Then she ran,
And drinking up,
She filled her
Draining cup
With you.

The war within,
Raging sin,
Overcame,
The tender heart,
The love
That laughed
With you
Is dead.

Inside of me,
Bleeding blindness,
In times of you,
Where was I?

Today,
You live inside
This crystal heart
I've cultivated,
When it shatters
Once again,
Say hello
And smile for me,
Then turn and run,
Forever free.

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